[ Stress Busting ] [ Relationships ] [ Worship ] [ Stress Quiz ] Relationships
Relationships can make us or break us in many ways. Human relationships are built upon
communication: a look, a laugh, physical contact or talk. No relationship can begin
without communication. Communication is the glue that holds a relationship together, and
communication is what makes a relationship grow stronger or break down. The health of our
relationships affect every area of our lives. Relationships can cause tremendous stress.
Continuous stress breaks down the body and causes illness. Conversely, good relationships
make a long and healthy life much more likely.
This article is about long-term relationships. These are the most crucial relationships
in our lives that can affect our wellness.
What are the basics of communication? The golden rule: "do unto others as you
would have them do unto you". Communication is a two-way street. It's about giving,
love and teamwork. The more mutually understanding the bond of communication, the better
the relationship. There needs to be a basis or protocol, a set of rules or principles that
both people agree upon. Therefore a relationship must also have accountability.
There are certain things that degrade and block communication and damage or destroy a
relationship: hurt, anger, selfishness, intolerance, lack of trust and unforgiveness. If
one person unilaterally cuts off certain communication because it is not pleasing to them,
then the relationship breaks down. A relationship is not about one individual getting
their own way, it's about working together to understand each other and also to sharpen
each other.
Psychologists and counselors can make relationships seem very complex. However, the
solutions to most relational problems are usually rather simple. Both people simply need
to agree to ask themselves a simple question about each interaction or communication:
"would I want to be treated the way I am treating the other person?".
As mentioned above, one of the important requirements for good communication is
tolerance. Both people need to tolerate and accept each other's differences just the way
they are. This does not mean that everything is acceptable and that there are no
boundaries. There are two different kinds of tolerance. One is a spiritual or emotional
tolerance of the heart that enables you to maintain or recover to a feeling of compassion
and forgiveness of the other person no matter what they do, even if there is violence.
This does not mean that there are no protective measures taken if one is abused. Spiritual
tolerance is internal, it enables one to be independent of what any other person does. You
are internally free and strong and not co-dependant. The best example is Christ who
forgave and felt compassion and understanding for the soldiers that beat and mocked him
and nailed him to a cross. Incredibly, Christ said: "forgive them for they know not
what they do".
The other type of tolerance has limits. It is an outward or functional jurisdictional
tolerance regarding right and wrong. This is where accountability and boundaries come into
play. It means that one cannot honestly allow a relationship to continue with the same
kind of closeness if there is a total disregard for the mutually agreed upon rules of the
relationship. As was discussed earlier, spiritual tolerance is important to a relationship
because no matter what the other person does, there will always be forgiveness,
understanding and compassion. However, even though there will be compassion it does not
mean being a 'doormat'. At times there also must be consequences... a backing away from
the relationship in a physical or functional way. Balancing the two forms of tolerance can
take time and practice. If trust is broken then there needs to be an acknowledgement that
the relationship has changed and that the depth of relationship and closeness cannot
continue as it was until the friendship bond has been mutually healed.
A successful relationship means that each person is open and actually inviting of
criticism and correction. If one person is not living by the rules, then the other person
has the right to point that issue out in a loving but firm manner. It's very important
that both people have agreed on the basis or rules of the relationship. If there is trust,
then the relationship can quickly get back on track.
Nagging or trying to push the other person into changing a personality trait or bad
habit does not build a healthy relationship. Claming up, giving the silent treatment or
saying "I don't want to talk about it" is called "passive aggressive"
behavior and is just another way of trying to force the other person to do things your
way. Selfishness does not build a healthy relationship. Each person needs to say to
themselves "Do I like to be given the silent treated or be treated this way? Then I
will try not to treat the other person this way.".
The best way to hold each other accountable and to correct each other is by thinking of
it as influencing the other person. It's an attitude of 'coaching' the other person, not
forcing. The only time more serious action needs to be taken is if one person habitually
tries to control or cut off communication without any effort to change and has no desire
to be accountable. This is an unrepentant, divisive attitude that makes no sense to
tolerate in a healthy relationship. If this is the case, then there really is not a mutual
relationship. It is a sham and the relationship needs to be brought to a crisis point
where a decision is made either to mutually work together and try to abide by the agreed
upon rules or further separate the relationship.
Relationships take a lot of patience and tolerance. However, you can't just gloss over
and tolerate divisiveness or total intolerance, etc., in the other person unless you want
the relationship to blow up in your face somewhere down the road. If one person puts on a
false sense of humility and acts like a 'doormat', then the intolerant, divisive person
will eventually come to the point where they totally despise the 'doormat' person and end
up dumping the relationship. There always needs to be at least some spirit of humility and
working together in order to make a relationship work.
Sometimes it takes a few crises early on before a relationship can be established that
can stand the test of time. These kinds of relationships turn out to be productive and
fun. Don't allow a relationship to fester in a broken down state for a long period of
time. This just causes stress and breakdown in your body, mind and spirit. Bring the
relationship to a crisis early-on by taking your friend or spouse to a good pastor or
qualified counselor who understands the principles of successful relationships so that the
relationship will bring both of you long-term joy and fulfillment. Good relationships are
the best way to provide a future of wellness.
Wellness.MA is not meant to replace a qualified counselor. The information
found on this site is only for informational purposes. Please consult a professional
councilor or psychologist with your relationship needs.
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